In 1944, Ingrid Bergman starred in a film called Gaslight, for which she later won an Oscar.
In case you’ve not heard of it or seen it, the film is set in Edwardian England…think horses and carriages. It’s protagonist, Paula, is a wealthy young woman who is swept off her feet by a handsome older man named Gregory. They quickly marry, and things start to get…difficult.
Gregory has a secret plan, that I won’t spoil for you, but his first moves on Paula are designed to make her question her own sanity. Gaslight is a film about psychological abuse in the Eduardian age, but the behavior is so archetypal, so familiar, that the term has endured and is a popular term even now in 2020. Maybe even more so in 2020 than ever before.
Far too many of us have been caught in this dynamic with no support, and lacking the tools or strategies for coping with it. Many of us have lost confidence, self-esteem, and momentum in our professional lives, thanks to gaslighting behaviors.
I myself have been a victim of it, but I’ve learned how to spot it, stop it, and how to fortify my own mind so that I’m not as vulnerable to it.
My friend, I want to offer you some strategies for becoming gaslight resistant, literate, and averse.
SAFETY TIP: I’m going to be talking about gaslighting in the context of work relationships. I don’t feel equipped to talk about emotional and psychological abuse in the truest sense, because I am not a therapist. I don’t even play one on TV.
Nor do I feel comfortable lecturing on the gaslighting that has been perpetrated against people of color in this country. It took watching George Floyd’s murder on our screens for white people like me to finally believe what the black community had been angry about for so long.
But, I will share what I’ve learned about dealing with gaslighters at work and in our professional lives.
So let’s dive in.
GASLIGHTING
Why am I so focused on something as dark as Gaslighting?
It’s a good question. And I have a good answer.
It’s a VERY relevant topic for a communication coach, like myself, because gaslighting dismantles confidence.
If you are being trained to question your version of reality, you are being trained to erode your own self esteem. And as you can imagine, this has very real consequences for how we communicate.
Fundamentally, if you’re my client, my goal is to help you access your most powerful self, and speak from that place of power.
A big part of that power is drawn from trusting yourself. Gaslighters won’t allow you to trust yourself, because it means you have the power, and gaslighters don’t like that.
GASLIGHTING AT WORK
At its core, gaslighting is about power and manipulation. It’s about exerting total control over someone. So how does it manifest in a work context?
Well here’s the thing: It can come from anywhere.
Your boss, your direct report, your client, your partner…literally anywhere. It could come from a man, a woman, and any variation thereof.
But like anything, there’s a pattern to gaslighting, which includes things like:
- Lying. It ain’t just for children. “I’m almost done with that report!” When it is clearly nowhere near being done (or even started). Or, denying that a conversation ever happened, when you know it did. Or, “I never said that,” even though you remember it quite clearly.
- Deliberately creating confusion around role or responsibility. Making it nearly impossible to be successful. And then when you fall short…
- Consistently criticizing or humiliating you, instead of providing legitimate feedback in private.
- Behaving badly, and then calling it “kidding around.” Oh, I was just “teasing you.” “You’re so sensitive.” “You can’t take a joke.” My God people—beware of the person who calls you “too sensitive.” BIG RED FLAG. HUGE.
When you start to stack these kinds of experiences up, they become a pattern, and rapidly take down your self esteem.
It is actually shocking how quickly we lose our confidence, courage, and resilience in these situations. And when I say “we”, I mean it: Humans are actuallyfar more vulnerable psychologically than we care to admit.
In case you’re skeptical about this point, remember the Stanford Prison Experiment? In 1971, a team of researchers at Stanford University wanted to study the psychological effects of power by casting 24 male college students into the role of either prisoner or guard.
The study was conducted in the basement of one of the buildings at Stanford, where the volunteers were to live 24 hours a day inside of their respective roles, until the experiment was over. It was supposed to last 2 weeks.
Do you know how long it lasted? Six days.
The change in behavior was so extreme, causing the wardens to transform into sadists, relishing in psychological torture. And the crazy part? The prisoners accepted it. And this behavior began to take shape just hours into the experiment. That’s how quickly things can erode psychologically.
So, if you have someone at work who’s gaslighting you, targeting you with humiliation, lying, or getting you to question your sanity, we need to nip that in the bud, ASAP. Or, better yet, prevent it from happening at all.
PREVENTION
If you look online for articles about gaslighting, you’ll find lots of great content on how to respond and deal with a gaslighter, yet there is VERY little on how to prevent shit like this from happening.
And that’s where I want to begin, by first talking about prevention, and then move into intervention.
Here are my three Steps for Dealing with Gaslighters:
- Prevent It
- Confront It
- Get Support
STEP 1: PREVENT IT.
The best way to prevent gaslighting? Cultivate self trust.
Job number one in this lifetime is to learn the language of your own instinctual, intuitive nature. Yours is the only counsel that truly matters.
SELF TRUST PRACTICES
How do you cultivate self trust? By practicing self trust. What that practice looks like is up to you.
Do you need a daily journaling practice where you can write down your experiences, impressions, and fears without judgement?
Do you need to write a personal Bill of Rights, outlining the truths you hold dear … a list of what do you believe you are entitled to in a relationship at work?
Do you need to make a list of things you won’t tolerate? For me, I don’t allow people to raise their voices in anger with me. I don’t allow scope creep in my projects, because I have suffered the consequences of doing too much and having my main job suffer as a result. It’s not a cute look.
Do you need time alone??
But back to the movie Gaslight for a second … Early in the film, our girl Paula has an intuitive sense that she needs time away from Gregory, who is love bombing her with grand gestures, and trying to woo her into a quickie marriage.
And in case you’re not familiar with the term “love bombing,” I loved this definition from Cosmopolitan Magazine of all places, “Love bombing is the practice of showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control or significantly influence their behavior.”
Be careful of people who are a little too extra with their wooing. It might make you feel special, but you won’t feel so special once you realize you were getting played. I know we’re talking about work here, but I have to say that.
Anyway, back to Paula. Paula is flattered and energized by Gregory’s attention, AKA, love bombs, but she can sense she needs some time alone to think and sort herself out. So, she books a trip to Lake Cuomo, where she can finally be alone with her feelings, and discern what to do in this relationship with Gregory.
But, the moment her feet touch ground at the train station in Lake Cuomo, Gregory is right there waiting for her—creepy as hell. And the first words he says to her? “You’re not angry with me…”
Gaslighting. The spell is cast.
Paula instinctively knows she needs to be alone, but she overrides this instinct, and places herself in terrible danger.
Like Paula, is your higher self nudging you to spend more time blessedly alone so you can hear the voice of your intuition? Do you need to do some repair work with your own intuition?
When I first went on my own journey into self trust, I remember so vividly having to literally learn to walk down the street by myself, and ask myself what it is I wanted to do, and what I was hungry for. I was so used to asking everyone else what they wanted, and what they felt like.
I remember being incredibly self conscious, thinking, “Are people looking at me? Am I ok right now? What’s happening?”
This was when I lived in the Cow Hollow district of San Francisco. I’d walk from my apartment on Fillmore Street down to Chestnut Street, and would usually end up reading a book and eating lunch on the grass at the Palace of Fine Arts.
At first, I felt embarrassed that all I really was to be alone with my snacks and my book on the grass.
But, I was so surrounded by noise and other people’s opinions and goals, I had lost touch with what I wanted.
Does this sound like a journey you need to take? Do you need to rebuild a rapport with your own instincts?
LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF WARNING
This is a language your body speaks to you in the form of nausea, a pit in your stomach, or whatever it is for you. It’s the thing that happens when your instinctive nature wants to warn your mind: DANGER.
For me, it manifests as a kind of silence in my body. When I’m in a good, healthy situation, there’s a happy “hum” inside of me. It’s like my body is filled with a happy buzz. But when I’m in a situation that doesn’t feel right, everything gets eerily quiet inside of me. Like the quiet you’d experience walking into a haunted house. And when that happy hum goes silent, I know something isn’t right, and I proceed with extreme caution, or bail out completely.
What is your language of warning? If you don’t know, ask yourself, when did your body know the truth of something, even though your mind rejected it?
If you can strengthen your self trust, you will be far less likely to fall prey to gaslighting. People will still try to gaslight you, it’s just the way of the world. But, it won’t affect you the same way. You’ll know how to handle it, which leads me to step two.
STEP TWO: CONFRONT IT.
One of the greatest perks of having self trust is that you can trust yourself to do the right thing when gaslighting does happen to you.
Having said that, all the self trust in the world isn’t gonna help if you don’t have a few go-to moves. Here are my four favorite moves. Pick one to work with, or one that feels the most authentic to you, and see what happens. Experiment.
1) Call Time-Out. Literally, make your hands in the “time out” shape. Say, “Hold on.” Or, “Time out.” And then offer some version of, “I need to just call a break for a second. Are you saying X? Because my experience has been Y. Can we talk about the differences here?”
Gaslighting is like a spell cast on the target. On the room. Calling a time out is like calling, “CUT!” in a movie scene. The actors relax and reset, and the script is abandoned temporarily. It’s powerful.
This move is helpful when there is lying happening, when the rules keep changing, or when you are being actively ignored or spoken over.
2) Give direct feedback. Ask the gaslighter if they’d be open to some feedback. If they say no, you’re dealing with someone who needs to be reported to HR. Seriously. But we’ll get to that later. Everyone should be open to feedback. If they are open to feedback, find a time that works, and give them feedback. Start with the positive. Find one positive thing to say. Next, say, “And (NOT BUT!!!) I want to make a request that if you have feedback for ME, you give it to me directly and in private. This is far more powerful and useful than delivering a sensitive message in front of a group.”
If they come back and say, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “Grow up”, or some variation thereof, come back with this:
“I have found that people don’t trust leaders who publicly embarrass other people in meetings. It makes people feel unsafe because they know it’s a matter of time before they’re the ones being humiliated. So, it’s in all of our best interests to give and receive feedback in private.”
And, SCENE. Get out of there as soon as you’ve made your point.
3) Establish and uphold your boundaries. This one I had to learn the hard way. I had a gaslighter who kept moving the goalpost, so to speak, and I had to take on more and more. I kept thinking, “This seems outside the scope of my role, but she seems to think it isn’t, and there’s no time to question it so, here I go.” Before I knew it, like Cinderella, I was too busy with bullshit jobs to get myself ready to shine in the project I’d been hired to do. Let me tell you, I didn’t let that happen to me twice. Once was enough.
I have a script for maintaining boundaries around the scope of a project, which you can borrow. It goes a little somethin’ like this:
“I understand why X assignment is a priority. Given that my main focus is Y, I need to keep my focus there. But I’d be happy to tackle X in a few weeks/renegotiate the scope of the project, etc.”
If they come back and say, “No, X is now your focus,” document it. Send an email, and copy the appropriate people, restating that your focus has shifted at this person’s request. That way, there’s a paper trail, there’s no confusion, and everyone is on the same page.
But sometimes the gaslighter is asking you to do something so out of bounds, it’s beyond the point of being negotiated. It just needs to be shut down.
Here’s an example:
Years ago, I’d been hired to support a very high profile client at an event his organization was hosting. One of the people on the team didn’t like me at all, for reasons I still don’t understand. She would constantly try and deposition me, and throw me off my game, making serious last minute changes to this and that.
Around 10pm the night before the event, she asked me to be in charge of the playlist for the event. I had already been putting up with too many of her gaslight shenanigans, but this was a bridge too far. Building a playlist was so clearly and ridiculously outside the scope of my work, that my message was clear, direct, and short. I said:
“Absolutely not. I’m focused on X. See you in the morning.” I walked out the door, and back to my hotel room.
Some gaslight moments need to be gently handled, and others just need a bright line.
The same strategy applies to people who are constantly excusing bad behavior by saying they’re only joking. In that case, I’m a big fan of saying:
“I don’t allow people to speak to me that way. It’s not a joke to me,” and excuse myself. That situation doesn’t deserve you.
People who like to “tease” you in ways that make you feel small, are engaging in low-key psychological sadism. Beware.
4) Document Everything. Document every instance of gaslighting. Send yourself an email, use your notes app, or your journal. Just get it documented. We overestimate our mind’s ability to spot patterns and notice disturbances in the force. Write that shit down so you can see in black and white what is happening, and when. It also boosts your self trust to see exactly what happened.
STEP THREE: GET SUPPORT.
Get personal support. This is huge. A really pernicious gaslighter will try and isolate you, and make you feel like you can’t trust anyone, and that you’ll be judged, or won’t be believed, if you go outside of the gaslighter’s control.
Don’t let them do this to you. Find people outside the system who can help you, and can remind you that you’re not crazy. Find someone who can evaluate from a neutral position whether or not your perceptions are accurate. You need people on your side who care about you, love you, and who believe in you.
Get professional support. If things are sketchy, get yourself a good therapist. They are brilliant at calling you out on your own head trash vs. calling the other person out on theirs. They are able to discern the voice of your own ego vs. the voice of your higher self as you make sense of your situation.
But, if you can, also leverage your human resources department. When you approach HR, use the language of, “I need guidance” vs., “This person is a nightmare.” Don’t show up as a victim begging to be rescued. Show up as a concerned person who needs guidance and coaching, who comes armed with evidence. This is key.
I would script something like this for HR:
“I need some guidance in navigating a tough situation. I have several instances here of X, Y, and Z, and despite trying to discuss this with them and give them feedback, the behavior is continuing. I’m at a loss. Any recommendations?”
See what they come back with. If HR tries to gaslight you and make you feel overly sensitive or crazy, then you know that this reflects a more systemic problem that, frankly, you may not be able to solve. Thank God we live in a free country where you can dust off that resume and move on if things get bad.
Because here’s what: The Weinstein Company had an HR department. They were on Harvey’s side.
Eyes wide open, people.
Which leads me to my final thought.
No job is worth losing your self esteem over. Of course, you should investigate what part of this scenario is on you, and take responsibility for it, but do not stay in a situation where you are experiencing psychological abuse.
I am a massive Glennon Doyle fan. If you don’t know her, check out her most recent book, Untamed. My favorite Glennon quote is:
“I will not stay—not ever again—in a room, or conversation, or institution that requires me to abandon myself.”
Friend, that quote should be at the top of our Bill of Rights. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that we will not stay, not ever again, in a room, or conversation, or institution that requires us to abandon ourselves.
That is the gift at the end of an experience with a gaslighter. If you do the work, learn the lesson, and learn to work with and trust yourself, you gain a strength that no one can take away from you.
You gain power. You gain presence.
Why? Because you acted from integrity and self-love, and there is no higher vibration.
If after reading this, you’re seeing parallels in your personal relationships, and not just your career, get support. Get help. Visit www.thehotline.org, which is the national domestic abuse hotline. I know that sounds alarming and scary, but it doesn’t have to be. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I don’t know much, but I do know this:
You weren’t born to take everyone’s shit and question your own blessed sanity.
You were born to bring forward all of the incredible gifts you’ve been given, that the world so badly needs.
You were born to shine.
SHINE ON, you crazy diamond.
